Leave for a while – don’t fight it out

Caregiving is wonderfully rewarding and at the same time terribly frustrating. The person in your care is frustrated, afraid, sometimes confused and at all times aware they cannot do the things they used to just “do”. You, the caregiver, have many of the same emotions though they may play out differently. And then there is the co-dependency issue. I like Wikipedia’s definition and discussion on the topic - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency - as it fits my own view. Co-dependency isn’t always bad it is just something to watch for and understand. And, I am guilty of it.

I worry about every detail of Annie’s day. No need to as there is little I can do while I’m away from the house anyway. Nevertheless I do worry. If I don’t hear from her or from a “copilot” and it builds tension. And it takes time. That frustration builds and while one really tries a harsh word or irritated response or maybe it just that we feel after the fourth explanation it is okay to “snap” and the fight ensues…

Oh and of course it isn’t fair to fight it out with this person who has suffered so much. But we do. The one thing we can do that our survivor cannot is leave. Not for good but for a while. Leave. Turn off the phone. Go somewhere and collect our thoughts and ourselves because it simply isn’t a fair fight. We’ll get through this small issue – and we know we’re not really fighting over the “big one” – and the terrain will smooth out. But we want to exercise control and resolve the issue! Get this issue out of the way and be able to get back to doing what most of us have to do – go to work. Not always that easy once you’re “in there” the fight escalates and we all prefer to be “right”. Stop, breath deep, leave. Nothing is going to happen in the next 30 minutes that will make any difference.

And then there is the reward…

“Doing nothing is often a good strategy. Saying nothing is always the best strategy”

Taking care of yourself as a caregiver

I was never defined by flying but it did add a bit of swagger to my persona. Flying planes has been a casualty of Annie’s injury. It is not her fault. It simply became more trouble than it was worth to get her in and out of the plane and once we went somewhere there was the added issue of ADA “stuff”. Gradually my opportunities to fly dropped away and I was left only with the bills. We sold the plane a couple weeks ago.

Wednesday I got a call from the mechanic who did all the maintenance on our plane asking me if I was available to test fly another Aerostar. There are very few Aerostars out there so few pilots with the proper credentials to test fly them. My brother thinks I might ought to drop test pilot from my repertoire but I wasn’t quite ready. He has good reason. The last time Shaun, A+P mechanic, asked me to fly a test was this same plane at the end of last year. We narrowly averted disaster when on take-off the right engine caught fire, burned up the electrical system, and shut the engine down. Good thing we had two of them.

As a result of the engine fire the right engine was remanufactured to new. Shaun asked me if I would give her another shot.  With some hesitation and a very high level of nervousness I said yes. And this time I took along a competent copilot. So last Thursday morning we went out, ran up the airplane engines and took her for a flight. She was really badly behaved. We limped out to Lampasas and back with the right engine suspicious and the left engine not making full power. Spooky all the way.

I detailed her flaws when I got back and said farewell thinking that’s the last I’d see of her and Aerostars. Not so fast. The phone rang last evening and it was Shaun. “Bob, we fixed everything. She’s perfect. Can you fly her one more time?” Oh, yeah. This is where the old Bob kicks in and before I could think I said yes…

To make a long story short it was a perfect flight. I’d taken to calling the plane the Hell Bitch after Woodrow Call’s horse in Lonesome Dove. Anytime you dropped your attention she’d sneak up and bite you same as that fictional horse. Today the Hell Bitch is the Docile Dame and another wild pony is tamed. I feel pretty good too.

You need to take care of yourself and have a little fun along the way.