“Maybe it is less about grief than remembrance” – Patti Smith

I stumbled on an article about Patti Smith (journalist, rocker, mom, rocker, photographer and still a musician) and her photographs. She still does music. Though I was never a true fan I have always found her fringe lifestyle interesting. The article is about grief and passing and those who died before their time. It touched a nerve.

She goes on to say “grief is an indulgence and it doesn’t serve anyone” a statement with which I agree. I agree because I have delved into grief too much. I have found there are several of us who “grieve” for our lost pre-brain injury lives. One friend sent me a note today referencing Bruce Cockburn’s “Pacing the Cage”. He feels a little contained and we have had several discussions (and I a few blogs) about the grieving for the lost person and “easy” lifestyle we once had. But Patti is right about it not serving anyone. It just puts us in a rut.

When someone dies at a ripe old age the most interesting eulogies are the ones that celebrate life. No sadness or grief. When someone goes prematurely it is different. Our stroke and brain injury survivors are reminders of when we were not caregivers, but rather we were partners. It is hard for both sides of the equation not to miss that life – after all this new life is a lot of work for both. Still, it doesn’t serve anyone to grieve. I like that, if you don’t like the process change the dialogue and the process.

I don’t think for a minute that with a snap we can forget about our old lives. We can’t get them back. We have to move forward. Remembering is good. Annie – as I mentioned – used to have a famous laugh. Once going she could turn an entire restaurant agog. There were times that we’d get her going and it would be infectious. There were times when we wanted to grab a pillow. I remember those times with fondness. Last night Rebecca and I got her going on the way home. She was laughing so hard I think she was in tears. Haven’t heard that in a while. Good memories and a better sign for the future. 

So do I really apply these bits of wisdom? The book Switch: How to Change when Change is Hard, Sarah the nurse, Patti Smith and grief being a wasted emotion… I think the answer is “yes”. It is incremental change of attitude and incremental behavior modifications that turns into a better result over time. Does this caregiver work ever get easier? Probably not, but the energy it takes to dwell doesn’t do much for progress either. Turn that energy to remembering the good times and how to make more of them.

On a side note, my sister was here last week and one of Annie’s sisters came for a couple days. Both sisters are really good for Annie. They are also good for me. Thanks Liz and Rebecca!